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"What about here?"

"OK."

Francis pulled over and parked his sedan parallel to the highway.

"So particular about everything," Rachel chided him.

"I don't want an infraction."

"Are you sure? Nurse Rachel will take good care of you."

Francis shook his head, unfastened his seat belt, and loosened his tie in that order.

"You're not taking your clothes off already, are you?"

"What? No, just my tie."

"Good. Let me take off the rest!"

"Rachel… why don't you get the beer out of the back?"

She dimmed but did as suggested.

Francis got out the other side and patted his pockets.

"Now, why don't we take a walk in the woods?"

"I thought you'd never ask! Nurse Rachel will loosen you up if it takes all night. Well, at least till I have to get back for the costume party. I still can't believe you're dressed like that."

"Rachel, we still have to put together a plan for you some time."

"Do you care about anything besides insurance?"

"Rachel, I do not care about insurance. I care about selling insurance."

"Well, try to care more about us. It's Hallowe'en, and we have that Heineken you bought."

"I haven't forgotten. Let's look around for a comfortable spot."

The pair walked deeper into the woods, leaves crunching underfoot.

"I wish it was a full moon," Rachel sighed.

"No you don't."

"Sure I do. It would be romantic, and we could see better too."

Francis took out his keys and activated the little flashlight on the chain. Ahead was a clearing with some large rocks sticking out of the ground.

Rachel squealed with delight and ran forward. She sat on one of the rocks and struck a seductive pose.

"Hand me a beer, would you?"

Rachel got up again and grabbed two bottles out of the carton. She thrust one at Francis and added, "I hope you brought a bottle opener."

Keys still in hand, Francis opened his own and took a chug. He waited for Rachel to give him hers, then opened it too. Rachel tried it right as Francis finished his.

"Not bad," she said.

Francis helped himself to a second beer and sat down beside Rachel.

"So, do we wait for the Great Pumpkin?" Francis asked.

"Ha! That's the spirit."

"And what if he doesn't show?"

"We'll find some way to pass the time."

Rachel jumped into Francis's lap and looked into his eyes. Francis wrinkled his nose.

"Did your eyes change color?"

"They're hazel. They vary with what I wear."

"You're not wearing much."

"Exactly!"

Francis put one arm around Rachel and reached for another beer with the other.

"So, what qualifies you to be a sexy nurse?"

"These," Rachel sang, sticking out her chest.

"I never really got the whole 'sexy' costume thing."

"You don't like it?"

Francis downed his beer before answering. "I like it fine, I guess. It just doesn't seem like a costume."

"Oh, like I could be some monster instead."

Uninterested in continuing the conversation, Francis kissed her. Rachel softened, and the two played tongue hockey awhile.

Eventually, Rachel stopped to catch her breath and said, "That was pretty good, Frank!"

Francis ejected her from his lap.

"Never call me that again. Frank is a name for old men."

"Well, if you want to get technical, you've got a good ten years on me. Not to mention that adorable receding hairline."

After an uncomfortable silence, Francis announced, "I need another beer. Want one?"

Rachel nodded, and Francis opened them. The pair gulped them down.

"This is silly," Rachel observed. "It's Hallowe'en, and we're on a date, and here we are like some old married couple. Let's get wild while we can."

"I can't argue with that," Francis replied. He slipped off his suit jacket and set it on a rock next to the empty beer carton. Then he scooped up Rachel and tumbled onto the forest floor.

"That's more like it!" Rachel cheered. Francis held her and kissed her cheeks.

"Have you ever seen Twilight? You could pretend you're Edward Cullen."

Francis went on kissing her and toed off his wingtips with some effort.

"I really like Death Cab for Cutie. They did 'Everything Ends' for the sequel, New Moon."

Francis switched to licking her, all over her face and down to her chest.

Rachel laughed, but she started talking again, and Francis clenched his teeth.

"Have you ever been on a date before? Impress me."

Francis lightly nibbled at her neck, and Rachel laughed again. So far, so good! He nibbled harder.

"Yes! Team Edward! Go, Team Edward! Woo!"

Francis bit down this time. Rachel tensed.

"Whoa, dude. Not cool. What time is it getting to be? Let me up. I don't want to be late to the party, and we have a long drive ahead of us. Besides, my costume—"

Francis took another bite, and another. Rachel gurgled. Francis steadied himself on all fours, leaned in, and chewed up Rachel like bubble gum.

* * *

A robin sang overhead.

Shit! What time was it?

Francis forced his eyes open and smiled: first because his watch was still on his wrist, and second because he had over an hour before work.

He stretched, rose to his feet, and ran toward the car. Still there, thank God. He went to open the trunk, then realized his naked body lacked pockets. He backtracked and found his keys alongside what was left of his underwear.

In the trunk, Francis kept a change of clothes and sneakers. He dressed quickly, unconcerned with appearances. Shoes tied, he took two Hefty bags out of the car and back into the woods.

Francis congratulated himself for saving his suit jacket and wingtips. Those went in the first bag with the empty beer bottles and carton. The other clothes were a total loss. He wrapped them around the bones and threw them in the other bag.

November 1 already, and just enough time to shower before his first appointment today. At least it was Friday, and he could sleep in tomorrow. Was he really an old man? Whatever. It was a beautiful day, and he wasn't going to let some offhand remark ruin it.

Francis sat up straight, licked his lips clean in the rearview mirror, and hurried home.
Francis probably deserves to be alone.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconmegatarget:
Well-written and tightly crafted, this short story stays straight on track, but delivers enough slice-of-life details that it doesn't seem like 'just a short story'. The grammar is dead on and there is quite a bit of dark humor that becomes fully realized by the climax of the piece.

While the particular twist of this story has certainly been done before, it's cleverly done with enough character that, even if you do guess the twist ahead of time, you still want to finish reading to see the particulars. I find the title especially amusing looking back at the entire piece.

Excellent work and I look forward to reading more of this author's work.
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:iconbakerman70:
bakerman70 Featured By Owner May 29, 2017
Great insight into how couples act. Didn't expect the quick dining near the end. 🐺
Reply
:iconjoeyliverwurst:
JoeyLiverwurst Featured By Owner May 31, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
Neither did he.  Sin to waste food, though.
Reply
:iconmattk1989:
MattK1989 Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Didn't see that one coming XP
Reply
:iconjoeyliverwurst:
JoeyLiverwurst Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I think this is my only story about an unsympathetic werewolf.  Happy Hallowe'en!  Heh.
Reply
:iconmattk1989:
MattK1989 Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
So is he naturally a crazy asshole murderer, or did transforming into a werewolf do that to him? 
Reply
:iconjoeyliverwurst:
JoeyLiverwurst Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
He just wanted Rachel to shut up, but the way he shut her up, he figured no sense letting good food go to waste.  I think his casual attitude is worse than any plan to kill her in the first place.
Reply
:iconkrssrk:
KRSSRK Featured By Owner May 31, 2014  Student
Haha she totally deserved that :P I love how increasingly annoyed he gets with her. And with those werewolf teeth it certainly would be easy like chewing gum :)
Reply
:iconjoeyliverwurst:
JoeyLiverwurst Featured By Owner May 31, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Delighted you picked up on his increasing annoyance!  :iconbiggrinplz:

I don't think she deserved to die just for being annoying, but Francis is sort of a sociopath.  Next time date a werewolf who isn't a sociopath.
Reply
:iconbakerman70:
bakerman70 Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2013
Is it alright if I rip apart people who bring up my receding hairline, too?:giggle: You did a good job of showing how things can often happen getting carried away; even though they don't often result in people being devoured. But hey, he is a werewolf and a sociopath. Francis' sociopathic personality does indeed show, as he uncaringly gets tidy, cleaned up and on with the evening without regret or guilt. Keep up these great stories.
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:iconjoeyliverwurst:
JoeyLiverwurst Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks, John!  I've long had a soft spot for at least the idea of a balding werewolf.

And cleanliness is godliness or something.
Reply
:iconidontknowwhoyouknow:
Idontknowwhoyouknow Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Well, the ending is weird. Did he kill her or what?
Reply
:iconjoeyliverwurst:
JoeyLiverwurst Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
He got a little carried away, yeah.
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:iconidontknowwhoyouknow:
Idontknowwhoyouknow Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
What do you mean by that?
Reply
:iconjoeyliverwurst:
JoeyLiverwurst Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
He bit down too hard.
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:iconidontknowwhoyouknow:
Idontknowwhoyouknow Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
He made her a vampire?
Reply
:iconjoeyliverwurst:
JoeyLiverwurst Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
No, he ate her.
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:iconidontknowwhoyouknow:
Idontknowwhoyouknow Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh no! Is Francis a monster or something?
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:iconjoeyliverwurst:
JoeyLiverwurst Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I think anybody who would eat a girl is a monster, supernatural or not.
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconkagehahen:
Kagehahen Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2013
Love the Twilight references the whole thing through - made it a bit of a witty cautionary tale - perhaps inadvertently as the thought rung in my head 'didn't your mother ever teach you NOT to go off with strangers, little girl?' much less big bad wolves.  But it was so casual I almost thought twice about this girl coming to a bad end on a moonless Halloween night - but I was not disappointed.  Nice sardonic tone, cemented with chewing gum.  Bravo.
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:iconjoeyliverwurst:
JoeyLiverwurst Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Not to slight anybody else, but that's the best reply I've received on a story in a long time.  I feel like I even learned something about my own story.

Effusive thanks!
Reply
:iconthatonedog:
ThatOneDog Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2013
Sounds like a perfect end to a perfect date. I love your writing style.
Reply
:iconjoeyliverwurst:
JoeyLiverwurst Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Aw, gosh.  Thank you!  And AROOOO is still in my all-time top five.
Reply
:iconhamstertoybox:
hamstertoybox Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2013
I was worried he was going to drink drive, so I'm glad he killed and ate her instead.
Reply
:iconjoeyliverwurst:
JoeyLiverwurst Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Wow.  That's a fascinating way of looking at it.
Reply
:iconhamstertoybox:
hamstertoybox Featured By Owner Nov 1, 2013
I think drink driving seems worse as people actually die from that in real life. But people hardly ever get eaten.
Reply
:iconjoeyliverwurst:
JoeyLiverwurst Featured By Owner Nov 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I've never actually seen it shortened to "drink driving."  Maybe that can be a new ad campaign:  stay awhile and eat your drinking buddy.
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:iconhamstertoybox:
hamstertoybox Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2013
The extra food will absorb the alcohol.
Reply
:iconsergiopricklywolf:
SergioPricklywolf Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Poor Rachel, she probably didn't deserve to be chewed like bubblegum, that is no way to go out. Maybe if she was chewed more like taffy instead...
Reply
:iconjoeyliverwurst:
JoeyLiverwurst Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Francis isn't one to shake his Laffy Taffy, sad to say.
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:iconmaglot:
Maglot Featured By Owner Oct 29, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Om nom nom!
Reply
:iconweekendhunters:
weekendhunters Featured By Owner Oct 29, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Well, I had to admit that his reaction to Rachel, even if it was by sheer instinct was rather shocking in my opinion, but hey, it's your story.
Reply
:iconjoeyliverwurst:
JoeyLiverwurst Featured By Owner Oct 29, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
They weren't meant for each other.
Reply
:icontonyjamesclark:
TonyJamesClark Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2013
I actually saw the ending coming.  Halloween, couple going off in the dark to make whoopy, and he goes for the neck.  All the signs were there.  It's kind of classic horror.  I don't know about your personal feelings on Twilight, Stephanie Myers, etc, but I got the slight impression that as Rachel went off on that tangent, Francis was actually glad she was going to die.  Not sure if that was just me or what.
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:iconjoeyliverwurst:
JoeyLiverwurst Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
That's where I worry it's unclear.  Francis wasn't listening to anything she said.  He just wanted her to shut up.  He wasn't trying to kill her, but after he bit down too hard, he didn't worry about the difficulty of saving her either.
Reply
:icontonyjamesclark:
TonyJamesClark Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2013
I don't think that I got that at all, the scene cuts right through and I don't get any real indications that he had any feelings for her by the time he bites into her and doesn't stop.  I also didn't get any remorse from him in the morning, it came across more at that point that the whole thing was planned.  He just licks his lips and goes on to work.  He almost seems to care more about his shoes than he did for her.

Was it supposed to be that his bestial side had won out in some type of internal struggle over his human half that ended up killing her?
Reply
:iconjoeyliverwurst:
JoeyLiverwurst Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
He only had feelings for her as a potential client.  You're right about him caring more for his shoes than her.

To me, the horrifying thing is that he accidentally kills her, yet there is no internal struggle.  She might as well have been a clam.
Reply
:icontonyjamesclark:
TonyJamesClark Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2013
I didn't get that he was trying to recruit her at all.  I wasn't even that sure how deep their relationship was supposed to have been before the opening to the story.  They go off into the woods, presumably to have sex, and he ends up eating her.  I think it might come across more clearly if the story revealed more of the characters' internal feelings.  That would give us a clearer look at his Francis' motives and define their relationship a bit better. 
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:iconjoeyliverwurst:
JoeyLiverwurst Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
He wasn't trying to recruit her.  He was trying to sell her insurance.  That's how deep their relationship was.
Reply
:icontonyjamesclark:
TonyJamesClark Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2013
I can see on some level that the beer is being used as a device to numb his senses but it actually makes me think MORE of premeditation like he has to be drunk to steady his nerves to eat her and fuel his werewolf side.  Getting drunk to cope with the part of himself that he has to do to survive but doesn't actually enjoy.  That's what I got out of that, but I could easily be reading too much into that.
Reply
:iconjoeyliverwurst:
JoeyLiverwurst Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
It definitely numbed his senses, but he didn't have to transform or feed.  He just went ahead since she'd bleed to death anyway.
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